The Top Ten Ways to Plug a Leak

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

1. Stick to the obvious. “No Comment” is still the most commonly used and reliable vocabulary of any politician.

2. Start each cable/email/correspondence with a Declaration: The following communication may contain hot, smelly, and explosive content. Viewers discretion is advised.

3. Another attempt with “wash your hands” tactics: start with this, “Don’t know if it is true or not, but here it is anyway”, OR “is there any merit in this? Please comment!”

4. Call the Plumbers, the White House Plumbers [a], that is.

5. Apply Leak Ender 2000, the miracle leak sealer [b] .

6. Follow Mayor Ford’s shining example. Stop the gravy (gluey) train (leak), declared “War on the Car” (Info Super Highway) is over. We are going underground.

7. Divert attention, start another war (Korean?)

8. Follow the advice of an ex-Harper advisor [c] .

9. Hello magazine, National Enquirer, Entertainment Tonight, 八卦雜誌 ………, ladies and gentlemen, here is our latest, the brand new Gossip Girls (and Guys) show, the politically correct WikiLeaks.

10. Wear a Pamper.

[a] The White House Plumbers, sometimes simply called the Plumbers, were a covert White House Special Investigations Unit established July 24, 1971 during the presidency of Richard Nixon. Its task was to stop the leaking of classified information to the news media. Its members branched into illegal activities working for the Committee to Re-elect the President, including the Watergate break-ins and the ensuing Watergate scandal.

[b] The miracle sealer that stops virtually any leak immediately! Great for gutters, pipes, walls, pools, flashing, roofs and more! (a TV commercial)

[c] Mr. Flanagan, an ex-Harper advisor, now a Calgary University professor, made his comments on CBC’s Power and Politics show Tuesday evening. In a discussion about the significance of the leaks, Mr. Flanagan said: “I think Assange (of WikiLeaks), should be assassinated, actually. I think Obama should put out a contract or maybe use a drone or something.”

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