不出所尿

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

不知是甚么原因, 糞尿排泄物, 不論是那個民族, 都認為是骯髒的, 不能直接説出来, 有傷大雅, 要忌諱, 都是以代名詞来表達; 由 NUMBER 1, NUMBER 2, 到大小二便, 都是非常有創意性的。我們華仁童軍, 更是別出心裁, 多年来推出了「買大」「買細」, 沿用至今, 不在話下。

其實, 排泄糞尿, 都是人類的正常生理, 不可缺少的一部份。但要能控制自如, 那就不是与生俱来。在小孩時期, 就開始受嚴格訓練 (Potty Training), 而且方法層出不窮, 從尿片, 開袴裤, 到电子儀器, 聞説, 最近又回到「聽其自然」的老方法来了。父母出盡八宝, 威迫利誘, 慕求孩子都能全無意外, 解決自如。

當我們這批戰後嬰兒 (BABY BOOMERS), 已踏上了人生的後半旅程, 生理机能開始退化, 膀胱硬化, 容量大減, 或是前列腺过大, 以至「忍無可忍」。每次出門, 都要作充份準備, 行程不能過久, 中途最好有 McDonald’s, Tim Hortin 之類的快餐店或电油站, 以備不時之需。看来, 再往下去, 就要回到「尿片時代」了。

尿的用途多多, 除了可作施肥外, 童子尿又可以作藥引, 更有人認為尿可以養顏, 又能治癌等等。

最近, 尿又有新妙用,成為一種政治工具。在香港, 有大陸遊客, 因孩子「人有三急」, 在街上就地解決, 引起市民不滿, 互相对駡, 駡到互聯網 Social Media 上来,鬧哄哄的。 這是港人自「蝗虫論」後又一新的貢獻。「小便門」這一鬧, 真的鬧反了, 在五月的黄金週, 来港的大陸遊客, 大幅度下跌, 弄至香港商人, 叫苦連天。

好消息, 同胞們, 不去香港, 可以轉来多城; 对, 就是那臭名遠播的肥佬市長的多倫多。在這裡, 到此一遊, 要放低幾两, 全無問題。肥佬市長, 飲多了幾杯, 急起来就在公眾花園, 就地解決, 而且有相為証, 警察都是隻眼開, 隻眼閉, 不了了而已。

Where in the World is Rob Ford ?

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

News Flash:

Rob Ford declined to officially enter United States

(The Globe and Mail)

rehabilitation

After announcing he was taking time off to go to rehab, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford boarded a plane to Chicago last Thursday, landed, but then turned around before officially entering the United States.

“He voluntarily withdrew his application to enter the USA,” Consul General of Canada in Chicago, Roy Norton, confirmed to The Globe and Mail in an e-mail, saying the Toronto mayor “was not denied entry, per se.”

Mr. Ford’s whereabouts are still unknown. Councillor Doug Ford would not comment on ‎his brother’s whereabouts but said he has spoken with him and he is “doing well.”

“For the one-millionth time, Rob Ford is in a rehabilitation program,” he told reporters on Tuesday as council met for the first time without the mayor.

whereIsRobFord

So, where in the world is Rob Ford ???

bigBen1Eiffel_Tower_1

great_wall_beijing1egyptPyramid1outerSpace1gallery_pooli-love-rehab-1

 

It’s Amazing !!!

Confession of a Robfordholic

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

May the Force be with You, Ford Nation.

Our Beloved Great Leader, Mayor Rob Ford is taking a leave of absence from Toronto City Hall, and went into hiding, in Chicago, hopefully seeking rehab treatment for his alcohol and drug addiction problems.

Some critic assumed Rob Ford is putting on a spin here, disappear for a month, and then return a new man, a so called “born again Christian”, to proclaim his complete cure, and to continue his mayoral campaign.

Some accused him of trying to avoid answering questions regarding the newly surfaced crack video tape and his sexist, vulgar audio tape, by running away.

Some thought his taking leave of absence to seek help is a good first step, but others think this is too little too late, and he should go all the way and resign.

Others just simply wish him well.

But for us Fordies, we are left hanging.

Now I, too, have to attend rehab and RFA (Rob Ford Anonymous) meetings, to deprogram me from my “Robfordholicism”.

Hi, my name is TRCG, and I am a Fordie. I am addicted to Rob Ford. Just mention of his name made me flutter, rise of temperature with sweat and anticipation. I felt anxious, and agitated. At the same time, I also felt ashamed, depressed, hopeless and powerless.

I am confused.

I associated with him as my idol, one who can do things that I can never do. He can proclaim he is not perfect and go on lying to his teeth, with no change of facial expression or colour.

He doesn’t need to be on any diet. Can’t lose any weight, doesn’t matter, and just let it go.

He can bully anyone, including the Chief of Police. He can pee in the park. He can buy drugs and beat up his best friend. And best of all, he can get away with these.

He is world famous / notorious. Jimmy Kimmel is his buddy. Bill Clinton talked about him. His every move is reported in the news, the world over.

And according to his calculations, he saved us a billion bucks!

He is my idol.

But now he is gone. My life felt empty and meaningless.

But, have no fear, the provincial election is on.

TimmyH, here I come.

肥福新「新數」

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

報載 : 世界經濟合作与发展組織 (Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development OECD), 公佈了一个調査報告, 在它的六十五个会員国中, 兒童的教育水平, 加拿大是佔了第六位, 但其中的數学教育, 在最近的九年来, 水平卻不斷下降了14%。這引至加拿大數个省份, 安省, 卑詩省, 緬省, 亜省, 和沙省的家長們, 都要求老師放棄「新數教学」, 從回到基本的數学教学方法, 不再用 SUDOKU 来教乘數表, 用電子遊戲来教 3X4 等新方法。

這又難怪, 肥福市長, 分分鐘, 口口声声, 都認為他上任僅僅三年, 就為多倫多市民慳了一億元。嘩! 談何容易啊!

其实這又易过借火啦, 原来他用的計算方法, 就是更新的肥福新「新數」。

試解肥福新「新數」方程式之祕:

(一) 实贏之道

0 + 0 = 5

試解: 有如買彩票, 一張 Lotto Max要花費五元, 不能擔保一定会贏錢, 但留下五元不買, 不就是实赢了五元嗎?

(二) 大平賣

A – b = (A – b) + C + D + ……

試解: 很多時, 以為跳樓貨, 平通全市, 祇買, 但後来發覺, 卻要搭上很多額外開支, 更貴。但跟朋友談起, 一定只会強調又慳了多少錢。

(三) 新 Ponzi Scheme

A – b = C + b

試解: 新俠盜羅賓漢, 劫 A 濟 B; B 減費而 A 加費, 只要 B 是忠实選民 又可以領功了。

(四) 減減得加

SERVICE —> service + ADMIN FEE + HANDLING FEE + fee  + fee  + fee

試解: 轉嫁危机, 人人自危

For detail,  go to

www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4qMEOc9VfQ#t=71

Why can’t Nigella enter the U.S. but Rob Ford can?

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

British celebrity chef/kitchen goddess Nigella Lawson has been denied entry to the U.S. after admitting in court of using drugs few months ago.

The TV cook was stopped from boarding a flight from London Heathrow Airport to Los Angeles this Sunday past.

The case underscores the capricious judgment of U.S. border officers: if Lawson can’t fly to L.A. because she came clean about using cocaine, why could Toronto Mayor Rob Ford appear on Jimmy Kimmel in L.A. after admitting to smoking crack cocaine?

Fellow celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain expressed outrage over this apparent double standard on Twitter:  “Toronto mayor, Rob Ford?  Welcome to the USA.  Nigella Lawson?  No.  REALLY? Absolutely appalling misuse of our system.  And by whom?  How? “ He tweeted.

Here are the top 10 reasons why:

  1. She is a woman, an EBT (Easy Bullied Target)
  2. Another glass ceiling set, higher standard for the other sex
  3. Nigella is too famous, 受奸人所害, 被人整蠱
  4. Rob is too notorious, 怕咗佢, 隻眼開, 隻眼閉
  5. Mistaken Identity —- John Candy?
  6. “I am not perfect”, this humble excuse can get you anywhere (Don’t try this at home, kids)
  7. Apologized, apologized, and apologized. Been there, done that
  8. “Lying”, without blinking the eyes, is an art form, few people grasped it
  9. She did crack willingly, while depressed. He did it unknowingly, in his drunken stupor
  10. To advise Obama, Rob our financial wizard. He saved Toronto a billion bucks, using his New Math Method*

*Related article coming soon

Top 10 Reasons Why Mayor Ford went to Tinseltown

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)clown1

  1. Send in the Clown
  2. “I believe … whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you … stranger.” — Quote from Joker
  3. To help promote Crazy Town — Star reporter Robyn Doolittle’s new book on Ford
  4. Rumour has it, he was going to receive an Oscar, for Best Sound Effect & Entertainment Value
  5. To promote his short documentary —  The Ranting of Rob Ford
  6. Back fire from the War with Bill Blair,  暫避風頭  in Hollywood
  7. John Candy/ Chris Farley  再世
  8. To look for sponsor for “Crack, Lies & Videotape”,  a new Canadian comedy film, tentatively starring John Goodman
  9. Had an appointment with Betty Ford (obviously no relation!)
  10. Robyn Doolittle appeared on Late Night with Seth Meyers, RF with Jimmy Kimmel.  不甘後人

厚黑十一式

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

多年前, 曾撰文介紹過, 「新厚黑学」基本功, 現再從新整理, 公諸同好。

「新厚黑学」的基本功, 共分十一式:

  • 第一式    打破框框

双拳出海, 横掃千軍, 盡反潮流。一切傳統, 礼教, 老師教導, 祖傳家規, 全要拋掉。以前一套, 都是騙人的; 不然, 又怎会搞到如斯田地! 破舊立新, 待從頭, 再教育: 面厚心黑, 自此開始。

  • 第二式    隨机應变

能言善変, 看面色办事。一見形勢不好, 風声过緊, 就要立即变, 变, 变。什么風派, 流派, 黑貓, 白貓, 各顯神通。走前門, 走後門, 都是隨机應变, 百無不能, 誠為天下效矣。

  • 第三式    能屈能伸

韓信袴下之辱, 所謂好漢不吃眼前虧, 為了美好的明天, 忍辱付重。留得青山在, 那怕沒柴燒。有朝一日, 定能飛皇騰逹, 出人頭地。此可忍, 蜀更可忍。

  • 第四式    不計成敗

只問耕耘, 不問收獲? 並非这么簡單。其实誰个不好勝? 倒下去, 再爬起來, 再接再勵, 大局為重呀! 漫天風雪, 曙光就在前面。這是「不倒翁」精神。

  • 第五式    我行我素

天馬行空, 獨來獨往。是非黑白, 無动於中, 只要对己有利, 就会盡力而為之。睬你就笨啦!

  • 第六式    实而不華

要做有料之人, 面懵心精。所有大內高手, 武功多高, 都是深藏不露的。所以一出手就能置敵人於死地。

  • 第七式    勇者無懼

就算彼氣有七, 吾氣 (厚黑之氣) 有一, 吾何懼然。只要有錢揾, 有油水, 赔了老婆都要幹。这就是厚黑之勇。

  • 第八式    十全十美

对鏡自賞:  魔鏡 魔鏡, 誰人最靚? 我是完美無瑕的, 所以我的一切, 都是十全十美, 全無錯誤。有錯都是社会的过錯, 与人無尤。所以办起事来, 又怎不会無往而不利呢!?

  • 第九式    喜怒不形於色

成腑深, 功力厚, 使他人無從捉摸, 往往能出奇制勝, 防不声防。更不会意氣用事, 引至大禍臨頭。此成功之謂也。

  • 第十式    自信十足

天生我材, 必有大任。能化危為机, 奌石成金。常以救世者自居, 不可一世。

  • 第十一式    無情天

天若有情天亦老。人生桑海, 是不以人的意志為轉移。順天者生, 逆天者死。順乎自然, 天助自助也。願共勉之。

若苦練这十一式, 定能敖頭獨佔,  置身世界各类十大之列, 而一生也受用不盡。

新厚黑學 成功之道

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

「厚黑學」出版於1911年, 已有百多年歷史。 恐怕, 內容和例子, 都很古老了, 不合現今社會的实况, 真是有奌可惜。

慢一奌, 不要过於失望, 在北美的老番書店, 出售着一本「面厚心黑 , 成功之道」的英文書。

thickSkinBlackHeart

这本新「厚黑學」, 為李宗吾的忠实信徒, 美籍華人朱津寧女士的作品。朱大姐系出名門, 小居大陸, 台湾, 後移居美國, 為「亜洲市場顧問公司」總裁, 力推美國亜洲貿易, 更常作学術講座, 推廣東方哲理。

朱大姐对厚黑学情有獨鐘, 在移民来美之時, 也是天書不離手, 隨身携帶。鑽硏了數十載, 精通厚黑奥理; 又滲入亜洲佛学, 西洋心理学, 三大結合, 精心創作出「新厚黑學」的整套功夫; 更青出於藍, 為李宗吾厚黑學發掦光大, 还推廣到美國社会, 使中華厚黑精神, 放於四海, 实屬難能可嘉。

遺憾之處, 朱大姐因癌病已去世多年了。

朱大姐認為, 厚黑,  人之本性也。这是適者生存的手段, 是赤果果人与人的基本关糸。但隨着社会的發展, 什么仁義道徳, 倫理礼教, 漸漸侵食人際关系, 使人的原来本性, 弄致面目全非。

朱大姐留下这武林秘笈, 就是要信徒們, 立下宏願, 还我本来面目。

「新厚黑學」的基本功, 共分十一式。

詳細內容, 請聽下回分解。

天下烏鴉 肥福效應

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

話説这年頭, 世道不好, 天下烏鴉, 乱作一團, 思想混渾, 道徳淪喪。肥佬市長, 公開承認, 汹酒吸毒, 但还是頼着不走, 还要捲土從來, 競选下屆市長, 洋洋自得, 不可一世。而多市市民, 大都聳聳肩, 一笑了之。真是百思不得其解。肥福效應, 真的那麼「巴閉」?

突然, 眉頭一皺, 眼前一亮, 仿然大悟。对, 此公一定是偷学到那个武林神功 —– 厚黑功, 就能所向無敵, 成為令人莫明所以的政治不倒翁。

维基百科:《厚黑學》為清末民初, 李宗吾所提出之學說,宣揚臉皮要如城牆,心要如煤炭,這樣才能成為「英雄豪傑」。他列舉了曹操、劉備、孫權、司馬懿、項羽、劉邦等人物為例,試圖證實其厚黑學而列舉當中各人之臉皮厚薄與心地黑白如何影響他們的成敗。

雖然厚黑學原本是李宗吾以嘲諷手法提出的戲謔性學說,但卻意外引發熱烈迴響,也使李宗吾成為厚黑學宗師。厚黑學從某個角度反映了人性黑暗自私的一面,然而也反映了人們的處世之道。

厚黑學》指導信徒, 由升官發財之道,  到怕老婆定会發達等尚乘功力,  喋喋訢説,  妙語連天。

这就是肥福的实用哲学,  用以殺敵的秘密武器。

話又得説回来,  究竟什么是「厚黑学」呢? 只要面厚心黑咁簡單?

这,  又有待下回分解。

上官流雲 – 一心想玉人 1965

(Through Rose-Coloured Glasses)

説到情歌,又不其然想到西方文化, 大部份歌曲的內容, 歌詞都是与愛情有关的。

在这裡, 先聴聴流行了五十年的披頭四(THE BEATLES) 的 “ I Saw Her Standing There ”, 然後再来欣賞那香港文化的中文版, 肉麻當有趣, 以博諸君一笑, 同庆情人節。

I Saw Her Standing There

一心想玉人

詞 : 劉大道

佢成日對我鬼咁親 講真就冇句真
睇佢咁斯文 真係想到我失魂
談情共說愛 認真風韻
噢!我一心想玉人

呢 佢個名叫阿珍 我愛佢 珍珠都冇咁真
睇佢咁銷魂 著條鴛鴦繡花裙
郎情共妾意 心心相印
噢!我一心想玉人

學唱相思引 大跳周身 UN
夢裡高聲嗌 叫句阿珍 唔……
相親愛 不變心
托亞三姑去說親
佢話呢趟弊 亞珍已經嫁0左人

情人實已嫁  心都灰哂
噢!一於走去轉個運
噢!一於走去轉個運